Gobbledygook

Oh, hello. It's me.

The previously regular blogger that has become decidedly unpredictable. Can you blame me?

Oh, there's so much to say, and so little time. Today anyway.

Should I start with the crazy lunatic lady at the C.oach store today that was mad because the zipper on her purse was "too stiff" so she rubbed half a bar of I.rish Spring on the zipper and handed her purse to the staff proclaiming... "I want my zipper replaced!"    ...Ma'am, you might want to go down the street to Louis Vuitto.n for that.

Or should I tell you about the delusions that I've been having with S. and our semi-serious conversations regarding domestic adoption? And our completely crazy conversations regarding spending more money to go to a big clinic and do another donor cycle (with imaginary money)?

Or perhaps you'd like to hear the story of when my RE called with the reason I had such a terrible FET? let me quote for you... "We've never-ever experienced such a poor thaw rate with 7 good embryos EVER in our clinic!"

Oh yes, they said that.

Maybe you are wondering how our family is doing after last week's events.  Short story to tell there. 

All that, AND MORE! coming your way after Thanksgiving.

Why? Because I have three toilets to clean, 4 side dishes to prep, tables to set up, four loads of laundry, the dusting, the toy cleaning, the shopping...

Oh, it will be a riot.

You'll see.

Happy Thanksgiving, peeps...

Demons

Demons.

They do exist. Maybe not the horror-movie kind, but certainly the emotional kind.

I had thought of not posting this. I thought about the eyes that could read this today, tomorrow, someday... and say, "why is this any of her business when she doesn't know the whole story?"

...but I need to say it.

A dear member of my extended family ended his life. On purpose. He was my Dad's best friend. My Mom's friend. My Mom's best friend's husband. He was a Dad. He was a Grandfather. He would have been the first person I would call if something happened to my own Dad.

He was present for every milestone in my adult life. He was at my wedding, birthday parties, christenings, and funerals.  His face is in dozens of pictures, video, and memories of MY life.

And now he's dead.

When my Mom called me with the news, I was stunned.

or was I? This was a man who had some personal demons (which I don't think is fair to divulge here), but led the life many of us aspire to. He was a good guy.  He was retired from a great job that provided well for his financial future. He traveled. He had a family that loved him.

My first reaction was shock and sadness. But then my sadness shifted- shifted so quickly to the thought of his wife and family. The burden they will now carry for the rest of their own lives. The burden my parents will carry. The regrets. The things left unsaid. The missed opportunities to stop the train from leaving its tracks.

He robbed all of us.    He might as well just took all the living with him.

How could you?

Gratitude

I have a lot to say, but just don't have the energy to put it into words right now.  That day is coming soon though...  just not today.   Don't worry, I'm not abandoning my blog.  Just waiting for the inspiration to move me.

I am writing today to offer up a heartfelt "thank you" to my brother and sister-in-law. Yesterday was a special day for our families. My brand new niece was baptized yesterday, and S. and I were the Godparents. You might be thinking that it was a bittersweet day for S. and I under the circumstances, but you couldn't be more wrong.

It was, in fact, the most beautiful day.... and I found myself smiling ear to ear all the way through it. It means the world to me that we were able to be active participants in such an important milestone.

Thank you K.   Thank you for your unwaivering support and always holding out your hand to me. It has not been easy to be related to me.  I have far too much baggage, and most sane people would have given up on me by now.  My self-preservation mode has often found me isolating myself, and there are such rare moments when I don't feel like the stranger looking from the outside in.  You have always managed to make me feel included and wanted, and never a stranger.  That is a feat unto itself.

Having a day like yesterday makes me feel human again. It was the closest I've felt to being "me" again in a long time.

It was the best day.

Thank you.

Cue Monster

The post I didn't want to write.

I don't know where to go from here.  You see, there's comfort in having a plan. Even if it's the best or worst plan in the world, HAVING a plan gives you something to hold on to when you are trying to keep your head above water.  A point of reference, a direction.  A lighthouse on a foggy shore.

This is the first time in my life I don't have a plan.

I mean, wasn't donor eggs SUPPOSED to be the magic bullet? It sure has been for practically everyone else I know. You would think, in life, that if you are willing to walk the longest and thinnest tight rope to get what you want that you might be rewarded for having the BALLS, the GUSTO! the blind MADNESS!! and ultimately succeed.

But no.

So where does that leave me?

I don't have a clue. 

Truth be told, I had a bit of a hissy fit with the RE today.  I put on my big girl pants and went in for the blood draw and had an emotional discussion with one of the lead nurses on staff.  I am not letting them off the hook for the poor thaw last week.  When they called with the negative results this afternoon (shocking!) I gave an earful again.  They are now off to have their own consult (a staff meeting to discuss the DE/IVF flunkies and determine what went wrong).  Afterwards, I requested a WTF meeting with the lead doctor and nurse coordinator for the DE program.  I may be done, but I won't shrink into the background because of it.

In recent days- I had an epiphany... this isn't just about ME. It's also about my husband. He has always had a stake in this too, and to my surprise his level of investment is exceeding mine at the moment.

A short time ago, I was prepared for this end. As much as I could be anyway. And then, as S. and I discussed this week's events and prepared for the final curtain, he turned to me and said... "We'll find a way, and we'll do it again. We'll figure something out.  This can't be IT!"

"That's crazy talk! What the hell are you smoking???" I retorted.

We didn't say much after that. Actually, I think we made a date this weekend to eat fine food until we can't move and drink vast quantities of our favorite microbrew beer, but we settled for an immediate fix of leftover Halloween candy and playing Nerf guns with David.

But I have to admit, I was perplexed. Here I am at the end of my emotional rope, that, admittedly... I drug him along at times over the years (maybe nudged is a better word). And now that we reach the end, and I am maybe ready? to make peace with the universe for giving me a shit sandwich... Husband and I have each swung 180 degrees in a different direction.

He wants to pull ME.

So I did it.

I opened the closet door. Yes, that door. My heart was in my mouth. I felt the monsters hot, nasty breath for a split second...and...

...just as I was about to be pulled in and consumed...

S. pulled me back.


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No, we don't have a plan.  We may never have another plan.

Yes, my heart is aching and shattered into a million pieces.  Yes, it's hard to keep the anger at bay.  I don't know if I will ever get over the unfairness of life.  There are so many of us that would risk certain danger for this ONE THING that comes so easy to most of the population.  It seems, at times, that this has to be a world that has gone mad!  How can the highest joy and ultimate sadness coexist on this earth?  What is the meaning, the lesson??  So many questions.

I don't know where we're going, but we will hold on to each other in the darkness and walk in circles if we have to.

We will find a path eventually.  And almost certainly, it will lead somewhere other than here.

The last chapter...

For the inquiring minds: I tested this morning. I stared back at nothing. Not even a whisper of a line.

Please, do not tell me it's too early. It's not.

So this is what it feels like to really fail at something. To exhaust every path, to endure every last available technology.  To pump myself full of chemicals that have god knows what affect down the road.

Almost five years of misery. Five years of loss. Five years of chasing a dream only to come up empty.

Empty in mind, body, spirit, and finances.

No next step. No back up plan to the back up plan.

Just sadness, regret, and unbearable pain.

A swine Halloween

Swine flu or no swine flu, we managed to have Halloween here at the BagMomma house after all.

It's been a long week, and I am not lying when I tell you I had almost forgotten I had my FET last Tuesday. David being sick was all the diversion I needed.

Thankfully, the boy started feeling better at the end of the week, and was awake enough to put on his Halloween costume and venture out for a little while with Daddy while I stayed behind to give out candy.

He even stayed in costume when it got dark, and attempted to scare trick-or-treaters by standing still as a statue under the maple tree.

Now that the weekend is over, I guess I can start wondering if the lone embryo made it.

My first guess is a no, and I judge that only from extensive experience in the 2ww.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  I know my body quite well (even though I've grown to hate it).  There's no way I am pregnant.

Beta is on Friday, but I intend to test very soon just so I can get it over with.

*Sigh*

Yep, I just took the "Happy" out of Halloween.  Sorry about that.